eclipse disclosures
You know how when you know things, but you're afraid to share? Judgement, shock, disapproval, stigma...the neverending list of reasons to hide?
That's what I've been doing for a while. In other words, this love letter has been in draft form in my head for months.
I know you know how the universe gives nudges and signals. Last night I had a powerful conversation with exactly the right person, and this morning was the full moon and lunar eclipse. Darkness and light.
A few days ago, these lines showed up:
Like a wet log, I sang within a flame.
In that last while, eternity's confine,
I came to love, I came into my own.
~ Theodore Roethke
I sang within a flame ~ I came to love ~ I came into my own...
With all that in heart, today I finally typed what had been sitting in the drafts folder of my mind for such a long time.
Collectively—and certainly me personally—we're having some of the wet log experience. Wet logs are important in a forest ecosystem. But as fuel for a fire, they're not helpful at all. I've been in the latter - broken, soggy, heavy, rotting.
But wet logs can still sing.
And the more I've realized that, the more I have been able to lean into love. For mySelf, for others, for our tough and tender world.
So, aaaaaaall of that to prelude some things to share. These are things I learned to love about me, that I've never openly admitted to a lot of people, out of my own fears of judgement, shock, disapproval, stigma, and whatever else:
~ I have a chronic, invisible illness.
~ I'm neurodivergent.
~ I'm a synesthete.
(If any of these terms are new to you, I put some links at the end of the love letter.)
(Oh and — just for kicks, as one more random fact - I'm fairly ambidextrous. That's not really stigmatized. But for me, it fits in with the unusual things about my brain and my nervous system.)
All of these things manifested at a young age. I've spent decades hiding and compensating, sometimes denying who I am.
Why? Like I said - fear of stigma, disapproval, judgement.
Thing is, though — people are judging and disapproving of me already! All the time. No need to get hung up about any particular thing.
And that's kept me quiet for many, many years. And for many of those years I've been waiting for the "right" time.
But we all know that feeling ready is a myth, that if you wait on readiness you'll never do anything.
I'm not really ready to share, which also means it's the perfect time to do so. Because I want to be more honest about who I am.
So - now you know.
If you're curious about anything, or have similar experiences and want to share, feel free to reply.
In honor of this eclipse, I encourage you to share something that you've been hiding. I'm always here to listen/read if you want to share.
Also, my friend Astral and I just released a track for this moon — silence your devices, lie down, cover your eyes, take a trip.
I sang within a flame ~ I came to love ~ I came into my own...
Wishing you all the blessings, as always.
To darkness and light,
S.
Links, as promised:
~ Definitions & distinctions around neurodivergence, neurotypical, neurodiversity here.
~ Basic info about synesthesia here.
—
she / they
Siderealchemy
Quick links to schedule a session: