full moon howlings
Welcome to beyond the midpoint of 2021. How the BLEEP did we get here already...
I don't know about you, but 2021 has been no less wild than 2020. I've had to drop that "this year won't be as weird and wild" expectation....in February.
Howlings have been on my mind.
That they can be ecstatic, heartbroken, hopeful, confused. They can be anything, because the voice can express anything.
I ended up sharing a very personal howl recently on FB, about my experience with long covid. It really struck nerves, in a good way.
Many people don't know the autoimmune complications of covid, which, as autoimmune disorders tend to go, affects more women than men. I would be a crap feminist and a lazy human not to share something so timely, given how intensely this virus has affected our world.
(If you want to read it, I pasted it into the bottom of this love letter. It includes links to more information about the autoimmune implications and their disproportionate effects.)
We know that expressing love keeps the heart open. But often we retract when it comes to expressing grief or heartbreak. That somehow by avoiding or suppressing sadness, we will keep the heart open.
But it's by allowing EVERYTHING to be felt and expressed that we keep the heart open and our voices audible. Surrender. Share.
A card I pulled on solstice, from the Earthbound Oracle.
It's full moon, and things are coming into the light all around us. And we can howl anytime.
Moving through the solstice — howls.
Americans having the first Juneteenth as a federal holiday — more howls.
Hundreds of mass graves have been found at residential schools — fuuuuuuuck, some howls.
Collectively emerging out of pandemic-at-front-and-center, at various paces — yeah, more howls.
I'm overwhelmed, quite often. And I'm grateful for all this coming to light.
I'm also seeing mySelf in new light—I'm not the same person I was. I can't articulate much about my present self, other than I feel these differences more than understand them. They feel like magnolia petals, thick yet delicate. Some of the changes have heft. Other changes sparkle, light summer sunshine on water.
I'm grateful for all the divine guidance to tap into, that's always available, whenever I allow the heft and sparkle to take up space.
This is such an exquisite, poignant time, as we re-emerge, as we titrate our co-created world. I hope your emergence-in-process is joyous and healthy, at whatever pace you are welcoming integration.
Howling with you,
S.
P.S. - Share this with someone who'd benefit from howling with us.
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Siderealchemy links
she / they
Did you miss my interview with Let's Get Stabby? You can listen on Spotify, Apple, or directly from the homepage of the podcast.
Quick links to schedule a session:
CN: covid, longhaulers, autoimmune illness, violence, self-harm, politics...basically life since 2020
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I've been silencing myself for over a year about some important things, because I'm afraid and because I'm not a medical professional. But I am an expert in my own experience. And I'm also going to share links to better informed, more articulate sources, so that you can learn from experts.
Most people don't know that I had covid ahead of the curve, then lived with longhauler symptoms for about a year. This is not something I ever wanted to discuss publicly, but I see almost no discussion in my feed about the bigger context beyond covid as a severe flu.
That, and given that the collective vibe in the US feels mostly like "OMG brunch!" — I feel compelled to share, in the hopes that if any of this info is new to you, you can move forward with that much more awareness and compassion.
My covid experience was brutal, with the acute illness lasting about a month. I never went to the hospital. Nevertheless, a relatively mild case of covid is the sickest I've ever been in my life, by a giant margin.
The longhauler experience was physically milder but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually terrifying: brain fog, extreme fatigue, confusion, disorientation, headaches—all the time. If I conserved my energy, I could do something outdoors or physical, after which I was completely wiped, sometimes for days.
After about 6 months of that, I told myself to perhaps reassess my future. That maybe I was living in a fantasy that "any day now I'll wake up and feel normal." I spent a considerable amount of time trying to track whether I had symptoms of dementia. And that maybe the life I'd had, the life I wanted, would never be available again. Maybe I was already in a decline that was only going to get worse.
By the way, I already have an invisible, chronic illness, one that I've managed fairly well and hid even better for most of my life, even before I was a working adult. But just in case it's not clear—there's absolutely no way I could have held down any kind of employment while I was a longhauler. I'm supremely fortunate that I have a spouse who could take care of both of us.
The only reason I didn't commit a lot of self-harm during this time is because he was working from home.
He's also the reason that I even had a home all. If this had happened to me when I was single and living alone, I would have been out a job *and* a home, with no means to support myself.
All of that to say — it seems like a lot of people are unaware that covid can provoke autoimmune responses and be the catalyst for long-term autoimmune conditions. This is still being figured out in real time, but I'm grateful for the resources available at this point. (See links below; I don't want to muddy anyone's understanding by putting too much into my own words.)
People with chronic illnesses are significantly more likely to experience depression and anxiety, more likely to attempt suicide.
Statistically, FAR more women than men have autoimmune illnesses. As I'm starting to learn, this is related to the biology of having a uterus. So regardless of gender, if you have a uterus or love people who do, there's information that's helped me along my covid journey that might be relevant for you. (Again, scroll down to the links.)
So, for me this is also a feminist issue, in addition to the racial, economic, and other layers.
If you saw me during this time and thought I seemed normal—well, a lifetime of learning coping strategies for neurodivergence will teach you that. Not to mention that we were all living with dozens of variations of denialism. Remember Plandemic and the supporters of the former President? Last year, I did not feel at all safe sharing any of this to many people. So I mustered all my energy towards the appearance of normal.
But at this point, my silence feels like enabling ignorance and erasure. Given the bombardment of collective bypassing right now, I want to contribute whatever I can to a more meaningful conversation.
I think we all want to be compassionate, and I've shared all of this as a plea for you to make INFORMED decisions. Not just riding the wave of "ugh, I'm so bored with this pandemic; let's hang out."
There is no perfect way to do this, but I do believe in intentional ways of doing this. I believe in listening and learning.
And yet, I've witnessed countless conversations among people who seemingly have no direct experience with how serious covid can be.
In other words, this doesn't have to stop at “What are my chances of contracting possibly a severe flu?" — but also "Do I truly understand the full scope of risks or consequences to myself and other people?"
Again, there is so much more a stake here than a rough case of the flu.
Please, please ground your decisions by being informed from people with relevant experience.
This photo was taken a year ago today, when the world felt on fire in every way: pandemic, elections, protests. As a neurodivergent synesthete, I spent a lot of time lying down, often too exhausted to shed the tears that needed to be.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I'm here for co-creating a world of sovereignty, diversity, and interdependence. I hope you want to be there too.
#covid #longhauler #longcovid #inthistogether #autoimmunedisease #compassion#knowledgeispower #sovereignty #diversity #interdependence #nofilter
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The first article I read on covid longhaulers, which was the first time I thought I might not be losing my mind, but also maybe I was losing my mind, from June 2020:
https://www.theatlantic.com/.../covid-19.../612679/
Follow up article, addressing the preponderance of fit and healthy women in their 40s as longhaulers + all longhaulers facing possible long-term disability, from August 2020:
https://www.theatlantic.com/.../long-haulers.../615382/
About more women being longhaulers + autoimmune diseases in women, from June 2021:
https://www.theguardian.com/.../why-are-women-more-prone...
