when you encounter a self-appointed gatekeeper

Hey there,
This love letter is about the layers of when you encounter a gatekeeper.

First though, I want to clarify something about Soul Projects, my new class for dreamers, doers, and visionaries stuck in the muck yuck %&ity %&ck. So if you're not interested, skip to the next paragraph.
But regarding Soul Projects - some people mentioned that they thought that attending live classes was required. To be clear: attending the live classes is *not* required. I simply want to be clear that live classes are a part of this offering. You can never join the live classes and treat Soul Projects as completely self-study, with your participation in the FB group. Make sense? My apologies for any confusion.

Back to gatekeepers -
Last weekend I had a meeting in a park. At one point, a friend of my friend, let's call her A, stopped by to see my friend. A was nice enough, but she quickly revealed herself as a self-appointed gatekeeper.

At the start of the conversation, A mentioned that she grew up in the Atlanta area. Atlanta locals can be a bit rare, so I enthusiastically asked her where, since I'm also a local. She was very surprised that I am born and raised in Atlanta. Her brow furrowed and she expressed confusion at my (lack of a Southern) accent, then said, "You are NOT southern!"

I chose to smile and not reply in words.

Internally, I chuckled. I mean, imagine me going to the Bronx, in my mother's home state, and saying, "Hey y'all, I'm a New Yorker! I was born and raised in Georgia."

Or going to Texas, my father's home state, which is Southern with an Asterisk(tm), where I could proclaim, "Y'all! I'm Texan! I was born and raised in Georgia."

Cue the eyerolls, right? I mean, this is just plain silly.

Minutes later, in another point of the conversation, she said again, "You are NOT from the South!"

I was a bit flabbergasted. She really, really wanted to tell me my own life experience. At this point, I did want to respond.

What my ego wanted to say: Who appointed you as the gatekeeper of the South? Kiss my grits and bless your dear sweet heart.

What I did say: "I have a more expansive definition of Southern than you do."
With a smile, natch.

What stayed on my mind: if she's that hard of a gatekeeper to me, another white woman from the South, I can only imagine how much gatekeeping happens to people who are truly dissimilar from her.

Ouch.

Here's a question for you: Where do you identify in this exchange?

We've all encountered exclusionary people. You know the sting of someone invalidating who you are.

But here's something else to consider: When have you been a gatekeeper?

This usually brings a sting to the ego. But we've all experienced this, even if you've never seen it that way before.

I'll go first.

College was the first time I encountered learning about the gender spectrum, outside of the binary that I'd been conditioned to believe in without question.

Lawd, you better believe I appointed myself as a gatekeeper of womanhood. I invalidated PLENTY of experiences of women, just because they weren't cisgender.

Yikes. That internalized, unconscious transphobia was gross, and it's still embarrassing cringeworthy for me to remember now.

Fortunately, I continued to learn and reflect and push my own understanding. But I know that I'm capable of appointing myself as a gatekeeper.

This invitation is not to make you feel ashamed about when you've been a gatekeeper. It's to understand that the acknowledgement of those moments is POWER.

That recognition means knowing the potential for harm. By not denying its existence, I help myself not slide into it. If you insist that you could never possibly be a gatekeeper, that you're soooooo welcoming all the time and have such good intentions —

Well, you better believe it's possible to slide into gatekeeping.

And if you need an example of that kind of denial, you've probably encountered this one many times: "I don't see color."

The recognition of my own gatekeeping keeps me humble. It keeps me inclusive. And if I do slide into it, hopefully I'm staying accountable when people point it out.

So, this letter is an invitation for you to reflect on gatekeeping. When you are being pushed away from the gate; when you have closed the gate on others.

(The PS is how this relates to Soul Projects + the opportunity for a giant, special discount.)

Beyond that, though, I'd love to know what comes up for you - hit reply. Or, pose this question to people you know. It's a great start to deep conversations.

To open doors,
S.

PS - This gatekeeping conversation will be an example in the very first class of Soul Projects. It relates to the most common and most powerful block to successful soul projects—something I've seen in myself and others countless times over the years. This block can keep you from growing. Worse, it can keep you from starting!

But once you follow the thread of this example, as I'll explain it, you'll have a magical new reframe for the most common block. I can't wait to share this with you! More info here; let me know if you have any questions.
Your hefty (seriously, it's big) discount code: [redacted].

And if you want to guess what the most common and powerful block is - hit reply and let me know. If you're right, you'll get a discount code for more than 50% off!

—
she / they
Siderealchemy